Edward's Many Moments of Emotion
by Aishwarya Swan-Cullen
Summary: Edward's POVs. Do we know what REALLY goes on inside Edward? I've selected a few intense scenes and done them from Edward's Point of view!R&R sil vous plait!I know edward well....so i hope this makes him clearer for those unedward peeps!
1. Twilight, the Airport in Phoenix

_**Twilight, the bit where Bella has just escaped Alice and Jasper and gone to James, who she believes has her mom.**_

My breathing was sheer hyperventilation. Human transport took so much _time_…I'd done enough waiting humanely possible. I had run all the way to the ragged terrain of Vancouver and tried to find that piece of scum who wanted to take my Bella. I'd then waited hours at the airport, then caught a flight from all the way there to Phoenix. It had taken so much time; I was surprised that I hadn't gone mad. As it is, my breath was coming ragged from between my clenched teeth, and my face was pulled up, mad in frustration.

"Patience, Edward. We're nearly there," Carlisle whispered, trying to relax my tense posture.

I growled really low, so that no one but Carlisle, and possibly Rosalie, Emmett and Esme could hear. Carlisle had never gone three days not knowing how Esme was, nor leaving her to go across the country when she was in moral danger, had he? Nobody knew how I was feeling right now. My only comfort was the information that Bella would be there, flanked by Jasper and Alice, safe and sound, away from the sadistic monster who wanted to kill here for sport. My dear, human, beautiful Bella, the love of my life – would finally be near me again, where I could protect her from the trouble she attracted, to be her Saint that watched out for her. This was the title I earned for myself long back, the very day I watched her sleep for the first time.

The memories that I had stored in the Bella box of my mind were eager to claim my attention. It was soothing, remembering the girl I loved more than my own life, and it eased the helplessness I felt.

I let those memories cover me.

I remember the day I had saved her from those human idiots who had chased her across the shopping area in Port Angeles. I remembered the fear from the dinner, the ride later on, when she told me that my being a bloodthirsty vampire didn't matter to her. I remembered the anger that had filled me, how it was only too true that she sought trouble, how that very commitment she made without knowing it would really BE a commitment had changed her life.

But then, I also remembered that night when I'd shamefully told her that I'd watched her sleep. How I'd seen her in her tattered, awful nightclothes, shuffling and shifting on her bed, her hair splayed out and her dreams restless. I remembered how she had been dreaming about me – how that had filled me up till the point I wanted to cry and kiss her. And then, though I'd put it in the cliché category for anyone who said it, she, in her dreams had said "I love you," and how, from that moment, I wanted her so badly, I felt like muttering a thousand I Love You's. Those words completely dipped my dead heart into the elixir of life, and I awoke from my days of purgatory.

The memories were only too good to be true, and yet, they were. Nothing blurred them from my sight, nothing, ever.

The only factor that could stop the memories from filling me up was the sound of wheels rolling out of the plane, and the slow but smooth sound of rolling wheels on an unpredictable road. That's all that made me open my eyes and wait for the agonizing 20 minutes of landing procedure.

A human pace was so remarkably slow!!! I could hardly keep myself from running as I walked down the corridor into the airport. It was only Carlisle's soft hand that was gripped exceedingly tightly on my shoulder that reminded me that I had to walk slowly. The corridor became longer with every step I took – could no one see that Bella was my life? My love? Couldn't anyone see that I cared for her so much that I needed to hold her in my arms and place my cold lips on hers again….feel her warm and soft body against mine and entwine my fingers in her scented, beautiful mahogany hair?

What wouldn't I do to see Bella safe and happy – away from that bloodthirsty monster? What wouldn't I give to lock my arms around her protectively and swear to omit all the wrongs I had brought upon her and tell her that it'd be okay? What wouldn't I do to make sure that she was the luckiest person alive, to omit the fear that would have pooled from her lusted eyes that would haunt me for the rest of my existence?

It was ok now, because I could see everything….the airport was jam-packed with people but my eyes were well enough to sift through them to meet the brown eyes I wanted to meet, or else the yellow ones flanking them…..any sign of pale skin, or the homely, appealing scent of the love of my life….or even the nothingness, the solid silence that was displayed when I tried to read her mind.

My heart would have been jumping crazily, as Carlisle passed the tickets and I searched the crowd. I felt anxious, looking for Bella.

It was harder to keep a steady pace as I walked down the airport with the rest of my family. I wanted so badly, with all the yearning from my heart, to see those promiscuous eyes and to see the flutter of those luscious tresses. More importantly, I wanted to at least witness her there…safe and sound, not within reach of any danger that considered the mythical world.

My eyes raked the level twice, thrice, four times, but nothing new came in.

I glanced at the doors and tried to smell the scent out.

My throat burned drearily because of the enormity of the human blood in attendance. But none of the excessively powerful bouquet of blood that hit me harder than a lorry would have. My control was primarily out of my immeasurable love for my Bella.

With every attempt, my nonexistent heart sank lower and lower. Where was she? Where was Bella? What had happened?

The pang was too much, I wanted to run at superhuman speed and find out where was she hiding, or trying to reach me if she could see me. Where was she? Where was my Bella?

This time, the closest thing to brown I was looking for locked onto me – a pair of wide, yellow eyes.

I gasped so loud that everyone in 2 meter radius turned to look at me.

Alice was staring wide-eyed at me, the yellows halfway black, and halfway here, staring at me. They eyes were loaded with fear and desperation, which she was trying to conceal…and worse was her mind, a deadly black and a sophisticated whir of colours. Nothing made sense…I caught a vague glimpse of blood, of screaming and a metallic ripping and shredding. Nothing made sense.

I searched her immediate area to look for Jasper and Bella. Alice was all alone…standing near the plastic seats, she was now gasping.

I ran towards her along with the rest of my family, and I shook her hard, tried to tell her that I was here…

"Alice! Alice! Where's Bella? Where is she? Where's Jasper? What happened?" I nearly yelled at her.

She gaped openly, fully at the present, and now brimming with dread and extreme anxiety.

"I…..Jasper….she needed the loo……" she gasped slowly.

"Jasper did not!" I hissed.

"No!" she was nearly crying.

"Then what? Where is Bella? Where is my Bella? Why isn't she here???" I shook her more….

"I'M SORRY!!!!" Alice wailed, slumping forward. "I don't know what's happening!!!"

The word 'sorry' sent chills down my spine…what did this mean? WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO MY BELLA?

"Say it Alice!!!" I shook her tired figure.

"She's gone! She's left Jazz! She's gone looking for James!! She escaped from the bathroom!!!!"

I froze completely.

She had gone looking for James.

The screaming….the wailing…..the blood and the metallic screeching……

He was going to kill her.

That monster was going to destroy Bella…..destroy me….

He was going to deprive this world of the one credit it had….my Bella.

He was going to kill her.

Subsequently, he was killing Alice, and me, and Charlie, and Renee….

I was of the floor, on my knees. There was nothing I could say.

I needed to cry…..I needed to do something.

Love, meaning…life…all over.

No, there was hope left. One thing that was in my power.

I was going to rescue her, and if I found James, he was in for a tough time.

I will kill him….brutally.


	2. Twilight, in the Meadow

_Twilight, when Edward and Bella are in the meadow. Edward's POV._

Electricity was thudding out of me…engulfing my sinews and my head, making her blood more appealing than ever. I felt electrified, like I was being shocked madly by a naked wire….I felt happier than anything I felt ever.

Like she had asked me to be, I was still, stiller than anything, trying to compensate for that mistake before.

I could feel the light that was emanating from my figure, and I could feel the wind on my face…and close enough, I could feel the heat rolling off a finger.

Warmth was injected into my face when her finger gently touched my cheek.

In that short second of time, I broke emotionally.

Though I kept my stillness obvious from the outside, inside, it was like a lit rocket, jumping around and whizzing crazily like anything…electric sparks were ricocheting off my insides as the rocket whizzed around more. I felt so joyful, do happy, so…composed! It was like that one touch from here had lit up the thousands of dead bulbs inside of my body!

Her smooth finger traced my cheekbones, which I was having a hard time keeping taut because of my feeling to smile, to show my inexpressible joy. Her warm touch was making me shiver, and at once, I was experiencing the jolts and shocks of a new sensation…somehow touching her face back, holding them in my arms, bringing my face nearer hers and to place my lips on her luscious, warm ones…..

She traced my eyes with warm fingertips, and I was using all the control I had from keeping myself from touching her back. The electricity was pooling out of me more than ever….and I could feel her fingers shaking in the same excitement, the same content.

It was really more of the fact that I knew she wanted me. She really did.

That first touch had made me so happy…..mainly because, well, it was satisfying part of my incubus senses. But the other, automatic reason was that she really, truly wanted me. When she decided to put her finger, risk it all, and provoke my electric insides, she had made a commitment, and she knew it. By touching me, she had made me feel elated beyond anything – that she really DID want me, and didn't hate me for being the demented, erratic monster I truly am. She had accepted me fully; she had already brought her love to the furthest human extent possible, probably making room for way more. And yet, there was one human extent she hadn't considered, one that I wouldn't even expect her to consider, which was the greatest pleasure I would receive (me being an incubus) and probably one she might want to experience.

She stopped. Had time passed that quickly? Had she already finished it?

I opened my eyes and with a jolt, suppressed a smile.

She was looking at me triumphant, as if finally, after all the time we had spent, she had done what she wanted to from the very beginning. Her gorgeous, brown eyes were large and joyful, her ivory skin glowing in pleasure and delight. Her beautiful brown hair was glistening in the sunlight and it made me want to bury my face in it and sleep there for eternity, at least holding her by my side.

I reconsidered my options. What I really wanted to do was to feel her hair….but then as I looked all over her, I realized that I really wanted to touch her face, trace her eyes and her pink lips too. It was something I wanted to truly do, but something that could destroy her absolutely.

Charlie, Renee, Alice, me…….

I could be in command of myself, I could do it.

I took an infinitesimal breath and then let it out.

"Stay still," I told her.

Her eyes widened, dribbling the whole excitement and anticipation out. That made want to …… _kiss_ her real bad.

Be easy, I thought to myself.

She closed her eyes, and I caught one last glimpse of myself.

My body was blank, electrified, completely shocked, exhilarated, thrilled, fascinated and elated, flat out euphoric, as I touched her skin. That one touch made me feel so much!

As I traced her face, I felt nothing. I was overwhelmed by all the feelings booming and blasting inside me….engulfing my senses, stretching my vampiric sanity, limitations, and it was shocking me to see all that agony I'd been holding inside of me free itself and fly away, leaving me happy to be here, in this meadow, alone with Bella, touching here, when one of us (ok, let's be straight – me.) was a vampire who thirsted for the other's blood. I felt so blissful and carefree while I was touching her, letting the blankness overcome me, doing what I'd dreamt of doing for months.

Too soon, every inch of her face had been traced twice by my fingers. Her skin felt so fragile yet attractive and all I could do was marvel the softness and warmth of it.

She opened her eyes, wider than ever in merriment.

Slowly, I decided to take a chance.

Her blood smelt so fragrant and delicious, ready to ease the throbbing ache of fire at the base of my throat that it seemed that my super self control was nothing able to control this. Her blood was potent than anything, melt better than any fragrance I had happened to experience by far. It was luring me towards it.

And yet, the fire was a very slow, low fire, burning nothing, swallowing nothing. It felt like a normal part of my lifestyle, a demonic entity easy enough to control, and right now, the same monster that had earned to drink Bella's blood in that first Biology class seemed to be safely behind anti-vampire bars at this moment.

If I could touch her, maybe I could hug her. Or better, place my lips on her neck, gently.

One mistake and Bella would be lying dead, drained of Blood on the ground. When news would reach everyone's ears, Charlie would die of grief, and Alice would mourn for eternity. Her mother, Renee, would probably lie lifeless too because of the immense grief. And me? What would happen to me? How would I, the red-eyed killer, be able to live in peace or war with myself after the girl who had become my everything was lying deceased in front of my own eyes because of…. of my stupidity? How would anyone be able to forgive me after killing her?

And yet, there was everything to gain by keeping this control over me, which was large enough to stop me from killing her.

Slowly, I placed my hands tenderly on her shoulders.

I loved her a lot, I really did. But had I EVER felt this good? This satisfied? Or even this……content?

As I drew nearer, control was a laughable thing. I was supreme. I had power over whatever evil the monster deep in my cage wanted- and this way, for the first time in my life, I was feeling blessed.


	3. Twilight, first Biology lesson

_When Bella walked past him in Biology class for the first time……_

Today of all days had to be the dreariest one at school. It felt like absolute purgatory, just sitting there, hearing everyone's morbid thoughts at lunch.

But today hadn't a) exclusively finished and b) been utter, complete waste. I had gotten to actually see the Bella, whose features had been fantasized about in all the boys' minds, and more towards anything, I had found out about one person who had the power to resist my mind reading powers. Not that it mattered to an everlasting immortal like me, but she had also questioned about me, much to my distaste, to Jessica.

I walked towards my usual table and sighed. Mr Banner was going to, once again, delve into the knowledge which had been gravelled into my mind, and I had to sit once more, and listen. Listen and listen and listen, listen to him droning on about biological contents and this and that, trying to impress all the students. I for one, found this a waste of time, even though I had forever, because I knew that half of what he said was potentially outdated, and that I had learnt all this thanks to my countless degrees in medicine since 1918.

Silently, I sat comfortably on my chair, allowing my textbooks to spill out in front of me, across the table. Thank god no one came to sit by me; human instincts were better than we'd thought, as everyone here, though somewhat attracted by us, kept a safe distance. I just shivered imagining what it would be like if a human came too close to any one of us. All the blood, the lustre, the painful thirst…..

I shivered as the class began to fill. I hated carrying textbooks because I already knew everything, but then I had to strengthen the identity instituted by Carlisle. They were…..like a few of my other possessions, props.

The class was completely full in the time stretched taut and everyone was babbling loudly. Their thoughts were very, very boring.

All except Mike's.

_She is soooooo hot, and she chose me, so I feel so good now, that she's chosen me. Look at those beautiful eyes….I hope Tania is absent, so she can sit with me in Bio. If I could just hold her face at a certain point……_

So it wasn't exactly what I was interested in. Truth be told, I wasn't interested at all. But I was just feeling pity for the new girl because Tania was over here, and Mike had to sit beside her, so the only free seat (as always) in the class was next to me, so poor Bella would have to unnecessarily not concentrate on her studies and try to tell her instincts to behave while she sat on the seat to my right.

I followed Mike's thoughts as they became louder and clearer, when he walked through the door. Just a step behind him was the mahogany-haired Bella, who didn't notice Mike looking at her irresistibly.

Instinctively, he looked at his usual table, and his face fell horribly as he saw the pimply, blond Tania grinning in her braces. He was screaming at her inside of him, and then he once again faced Bella, reassembling him face.

"Well," he said in a controlled voice, "See you in a while."

I saw him peek my way from the corner of his eyes and then groan. She had to sit beside me.

_Darn Cullen, always has a free seat. And then Bella will go sit with him and of course she'll start to like him because of his looks. Ugh, that stupid Cullen! Why can't he go back to the place he came from and wreck someone else's love life…_

I laughed to myself, because whatever it was between Mike and Bella, it was not even friendship.

Bella started walking up the aisle to give Mr Banner the note. He hadn't even noticed the children at all.

The window blew a sharp wind across her, to me. She walked past, but her eyes sneakily met mine, and she stumbled, catching herself on the desk.

I should have been able to prevent that.

One major, major problem. I could not.

One parsimonious second was all it took for Bella Swan to stroll into my life as prey.

My jaw tightened and the ammonia was pooling from certain glands into my mouth – I could feel every single molecule emitting sparks of pure want. I felt a flash of red electrocute my irises into madness, and then pass out again. My nose breathed up the maddening, gravitational fragrance that made my mind whir in foolishness. A fire, dry and aching scorched my throat and it settled to burn there, wishing for me to heal it by blood. The pain built up and soon, I was yearning to jump onto Bella Swan, stab her throat hungrily with my razor-sharp teeth and feel the tastefulness of the lustrous blood, red and warm, pulsating in her veins and then dribbling out to satisfy the fire. My muscles were taut, already venomized, and ready to spring and get her. The monster I had just become was laughing madly, ready to kill human for the first time in a long time.

In just a nanosecond, these reactions were bubbling inside of me. It was hard to think of a reason not to kill Bella. But then, a heatwave rocked my head, and I thought better. She had a family. And yet, my head was going crazy trying to control this yearning, this passion to jump and land carefree at Bella's throat and rip it apart, and drink, drink the gluttonous liquid and calm the dry thirst that had haunted me everytime I had come to school, everytime I had walked out of my home. Everytime, though the ache was weaker, I had always pondered upon setting the fire out once and for all, whatever consequences I must face. Everytime, this monster in me had dream of a day to once again, taste pure, human blood, free of any non-appealing scents and factors. Today was that day, today was reserved for me to taste it again, to drink to my fill, to set out the fire even though it cost a life. The aroma of her cent was powerfully intoxicating, like a compass for every sinew that made me what I am.

As soon as I thought about her blood, my hands went tight into fists, nails digging into my skin. My tendons were bulging with venom, standing out against my pale skin, throbbing in control. My body was meant to explode, to shake out of proportion and to jolt out of this torpor, this trance, and either kill Bella or save Bella. I hadn't had blood for soooooo long that it was UNBEARABLE trying to resist, even though the Carlisle in me was holding me back. I had transformed into a complete monster. A monster that deserved to die at the gallows.

As soon as her eyes met mine, my own blacks shone flat.

Her brown eyes took forever to meet mine, and every microsecond of movement was causing a different kind of detonation internally to me, and every time the eyes got closer, I was more determined to kill.

And yet, as her eyes were just about to meet mine, like sun reviving the dead statues on solstice, like the sun-clock striking twelve bang on core of the day, like the pendulum moving slowly and locking into place at the middle, like the most intense period of a lunar eclipse, a new feeling completely overruled Edward Cullen.

I was the boy who was a proud Cullen. I was the boy who had deserved all the fruits of life, of love, of the world because I had done all I could to help others. And she, what right did she have to just walk into my life, my class, my world in this perfect town of Forks and just blow my settlement up like an atomic bomb? Who was she to just stroll into my world and destroy it, annihilate it so that humility was once again the title given to our family, and when we had just about settled into the perfect town for us, established a proper life, an identity, she had to come and wreck this perfect living, and probably wreck me as well. She was…..she was another monster, another demon from the depths of hell, sent by Satan to once again punish us for what we were.

And this anger should have dematerialized as quickly as if had come – but it carried a second too long. By which time, those depth laden brown eyes flashed to mine.

And they widened in fear, confusion, fright, mystery and self consciousness, and looked away.

Whatever must have scared her, it must have been my expression.

Because as soon as that second finished, and my anger vaporized, my head went back into the hypnotic trance of her sweet-smelling, luscious blood. The scent hit me harder than last time because of my distraction. But now, the blood was so alluring that the venom was a tsunami inside my mouth, spilling like there was no tomorrow. My head was lost in the heat of her blood and this lifted he to me feet.

Fortunately, I caught myself in time, and sat down, having lifted myself only an inch off my chair.

Her face flushed.

At once, the thick pool of blood spilt to her cheeks, giving them a pink tinge, and I blinded myself. My eyes were open but it was as if I had blocked them midway. I felt the smell blinding my senses empowering my frame, shaking me on the inside till I felt insane, demented, like a delinquent released from an asylum. I tried to calm myself by telling the monster that Bella Swan had a proper life, she was, after all, a human well protected from the knowledge of beasts like my family, and she had a father who loved her sincerely with all his heart.

She walked past blushing, and I was losing control. I was already planning the death of the class. Yes, yes, too many witnesses to see me jump on her and kill her. What would I do? Get on with it? Yes, I would kill her, perhaps gag her first, kill the rest of the class, and then enjoy the bouquet. No, that wouldn't be very easy. Looking at my stats, maybe I should first make the rest unconscious, drink Bella's blood and then kill them, or just leave. No, too much time would be required. Maybe I should….

I shook my head out of this fanatical reverie, shaking my head, but yearning to kill, to tear, to rip, to drink……

When in my head, Carlisle appeared. Well not really, but it was Carlisle my conscience took form of. Beside Carlisle, who had a fake halo upon his head and a white aura, was a shrivelled, red creature, uncannily like me, red eyes and a beautiful face, only reddened with the crimson aura of evil, devilish trickery and immorality.

"No, Edward. Don't do it." Carlisle stopped short.

"Well why not? The poor boy has suffered enough?" said the monster mockingly. He talked like a wife to a pushover of a man.

"But this foolishness – what will it do? Destroy moral, love and meaning connecting Bella and her family. Destroy us." Carlisle frowned.

"But he has great strategies in mind." The monster growled. "He can do it. Go on, my counterpart."

I was agreeing with the monster, he was what took up more inside my body.

But then, Carlisle turned his angelic face to look at me.

And the look he gave me should have triggered nightmares.

It was a look of pity, of withering hope, of pleading, of begging of goodness that implored me to not kill, to leave her alone. He look was of a dying fire, afraid to loose its fuel, and his face was puckered up into sorrow and beseechingness, convincing me enough not to kill Bella.

The monster rolled his eyes. His expression wasn't powerful, but a "fine, be like that. But you know you want to……" kind of a look. It was less appealing than Carlisle's.

The monstrous entity inside me seemed to fade, as I was regenerating as Edward again.

Carlisle was right. It was foolish. It was very foolish.

As I took a breath, I realised that a westerly wind had just blown in, freeing me of the alluring aroma of the blood. I could think again.

But she would come to sit beside me. She would come and sit close, so close that I might accidently kill her, lost in the monstrous presence that was soon to dominate at the first inclination.

She was walking back now, and my breath came out ragged. This was gong to be hard, hard indeed.

Poor Bella Swan would not know what had hit her….


	4. Twilight, James Having Bitten Bella

**Don't hurt me!! Spare me!! **

**Yes, I am quite sorry for putting this for like….half a year?? Yeah I sort of got into other ideas….and then I discovered Shelfari (google it) on which I am totally active (as Aishwarya Swan Cullen) and yeah. I'm sorry.**

**I had exams too ****:( and was busy studying. Sorry. Forgive me.**

**:( Regret the whole inconvenience ****:( Sorry….**

_Twilight. James has just bitten Bella and it is up to Edward to make up his mind whether he can suck the venom out or not._

Golden eyes were uncannily the most beautifully alluring eyes – ones that could portray the world of emotion, and one couldn't help succumbing into their enthralling beauty – they were like instruments to laser the world with a simple message – obey, help, kill, save. Red ones, however, symbolizes danger. They spelt murder. They just said "run, run, run as fast as you can". Black eyes showed anger and distrust. Mysteriousness. No one could succumb to them.

I had developed a strange liking to brown eyes by this point. They were clear, but their depth was captivating – it pushed to watch further and further as the doors opened more. Their width stimulated so much human emotion, they were only too easy to succumb too. It hurt to watch them bloodshot with tears, or wide with rage. They were like….tiny puppies. Powerfully manipulative.

Carlisle's golden eyes had so much power, so much, that for once, if you looked into his eyes, you wouldn't see the handsome, flawless pale face of a hardworking young doctor; no, you would see deep, into his soul, and find yourself looking into a man of colossal age, pristine, watching you with the most concerned, compassionate, and wise look ever. He used his eyes well; if somebody let a little slip and the person who was being talked about was near, his eyes would dilate vigorously and the mere glower would make your knees feel weak, your mouth dry. Other times, if someone he was treating just died, his eyes – tearless, thanks to his species – would be devoid of all emotion and they would be poker; but through the irises, you could see the retina – and the bottled hurt and pain and misery he was being forced to ingest.

And now, his eyes were in the cruelest form ever. At least, it was cruel to me.

He looked at me with the eyes that clearly said, "Decide, son."

I was being quelled under that fiery look. My heart was literally ripping into pieces – I had never lived to feel the human exaggeration for sorrow – a broken heart (I owe the quote to Stephanie's 'Host') – but now, I felt a dim shredding, stabbing, gruelling twinge right near the area where my heart should have been. He was torturing me with his mere gaze.

No, the thing that was torturing me most was Bella.

I could sense her floundering cadaver twitch with vigour in my soft arms. I could feel her blood hike to temperatures of a furnace – her skin was fire to me. Her hair was splayed across the floor, onto my arms, dangling onto my legs, but they were glimmering in the dim noonday light of the morbid ballet studio. Her face was draining to a paler white with each passing minute, and blood coated her face, her hair and her arm. Her broken leg was entombed in a giant brace held by a persevering Alice, whose nose was wrinkled in the aroma of Bella's blood, my indecision, and the pain of watching a young, innocent woman fight for her life internally.

In that one second that I could feel was passing, Carlisle's eyes did a lot to me. I refused to listen to his thoughts, that instinct I decided to shut down. He was looking at me beseechingly, telling me to please save Bella. The humorous (or not so) affair was that I should have been the one on my knees begging him to rid Bella of her pain. Yet, he knew I was the only one who could do this, who could stop my salvation from going to heaven.

If I could have cried, I would have. I certainly felt like it. My tear glands were choked with venom, so I never could cry. I couldn't weep and mourn for the human girl slowly dying a painful death in my arms.

I could not such the venom out of her blood. I don't know what fear my eyes betrayed at the thought, and I didn't know how much of it was the cause of Alice's expression, but I did know that now, for the first time, I'd rather let her slowly turn into a vampire, like me, than cruelly suck her blood until she was raw, and was slowly fading to heaven. I would give her mortality – or immortality – over my being the cause of her death any day. I would pay for it with my bare soul, if that was the extreme measure needed to be taken.

But what fuelled Carlisle's belief that I could save her, without killing her?

_Edward, you can save her. Please, please – please save her!! Before it is too late!_

I shook my head; shaking with the tearless sobs I was having a hard time suppressing. My head gave him his answer.

I cannot Carlisle. Not without killing her first.

He was empathizing – I could tell – but he insisted.

_Edward, please!! I trust you! You can save her!!!_

_Yet can I?_, I thought to myself. Can I save her? I remembered those torturous days, first time, in the Biology lab when the physically powerful bouquet of her sweet-smelling blood had lifted me off my seat. Could I afford to let myself be that monster, and kill her, an innocent child, whose family looked at her like the fruit of their labour?! I couldn't. I couldn't be the vampire all over. I just couldn't resist the scent of her over-powering blood, spilt on the floor. I was already itching to bite her – but self preservation kept me strong – I stared into the face of the pale human who had stolen my heart and would keep it and never give it back, because she would know that she was entitled to it.

Was I strong enough to let her live?

The old debate again. For scores of years, I had never found someone who needed me more than before. Never, ever. I wanted to cure Bella, not because she was someone I'd generally help, but because I loved her. She was all I could think about. However hyperbolic it may have come out as, I believed that she loved me too, and that we needed each other. I could not bear to let her suffer because of my foolishness to take her to a vampire's baseball game. I would do anything to let her live as a human, a life she deserved to live, without a petty vampire ruining it for her. I couldn't see her die. But I couldn't be the reason for her death either.

_Edward!! What will her family do with their only child gone? Please, son, I believe in you! I have been your father for years!! I know you!! You won't be able to kill her!!_

_DO IT EDWARD!! I can't lose my best friend!!!!!!_ Alice yelled in her head.

"I can't," I murmured, eyes stuck on Bella's agonized face. "I'll kill her."

You will not!! I cannot let this happen, Edward!! I have seen too many people die!! Stop it!! Stop it now!! You two share the most blossoming type of love I have had the fortune to see in my four hundred years of existence!! Please don't do this to her, Edward, please. Suck the venom out. If anyone can, you can. You have the strength of not killing her, only you..!!

His eyes smouldered into my dilated ones. I stared back down to Bella…

For a moment, the perfume of the blood faded to a distant ache as I drank in the sight of her agony.

Even in pain she looked like the self-sacrificing Bella I was used to seeing. I saw the same blushing, beautiful woman who had had the nerve to steal a ruthless vampire's heart. She was tall in her pain, she was kind in it.

And when you see an angel suffer, you really know that it has gone too far.

I stared at her hands, the sound of James' carcass being devoured by my family. The jaw line mark was set deep, bleeding like a haemophiliac's wound would. It was streaming with red, and venom, and it looked so vicious, anger over took me.

I lifted her bruised, battered, mutilated hand with my own quivering ones and sank my teeth exactly the way James had.

For a moment, I caught the tang of something sweet and sugary, so fresh and warm…like a reforming serum that was pleasing every working cell of my never-ageing body. It rolled in my mouth, giving off the most tantalizing perfume ever – it teased my. I let myself taste the blood.

And despite the blood being to me was sweet, irresistible cola is to some, I wanted to wrench my teeth out, because in the blood, I tasted something like citric acerbic liquid. I tasted something sour and corrosive, like hydrochloric acid mixed with a little too much water. It wasn't pleasant – it didn't belong in the saccharine, sanguine smell and taste of Bella's blood.

It was then I heard her shaking with screams. I could not carry on – or maybe I could. But I did so ignoring her pleas to stop. I knew this must have felt worse than the bit…

I picked at only this acid, shivering at the feel of it in my teeth. As if transpiration, my teeth drew back the venom I was picking up and retained it helpfully.

The outmost love I had for the battered corpse writhing on the floor kept me drinking the venom only – shivers were suppressed as I thought of that night when she had gone alone to the bookshop in Port Angeles. The night of our first dinner together. Thinking about the people who had tried to hurt her, I kept on sucking the venom out of her human system-

And soon enough I could sense the quantity of venom in her vessels decrease – the sound of her heartbeat drew to normal, and the scent of the blood was more aromatic. Her screams littled to moans and groans as she felt the pain fading away to nothingness, just sleep…

But then, my mind wrenched itself from her, and settled on how wonderful the treacle-like blood tasted in my dry, venom pooling, mouth.

It was like…aged wine to me. It was sweet, and pleasant. It soothed the throbbing, needle-like pain at the back of my neck, near my swollen epiglottis…..it was so mellifluous – so saccharine – it mad me feel all somnambulant inside myself, until a thunderous crash echoed around the ballet room as Carlisle pushed me off an unconscious Bella.

I saw myself drenched head to toe in her vivid, scarlet blood,

"It's enough." I heard him whisper. He had pushed me off before I could go her too far and possible relive a family nightmare.

I didn't wait to feel relief as Bella weakly whispered my name in her drowsy trance.

I hated myself for not stopping, for being too attracted. I despised myself for that.

I would never be strong enough to love her back.

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The journey back wasn't that hard or emotional. Or maybe it was. I couldn't tell. There was hard anguish splattered by vibrant colours on my face.

Bella was jumbled into a tiny little ball of human under my arm. Her head, at least, rested peacefully on my right arm, curved to help keep her head up. She lay across the jeep with her leg in a large, voluptuous brace. Her hair stuck out messily under the haphazardly tied bandage running around her head, stained with blood. There were stitches all over her.

I stared, sleepless, at her glazed arm, the car from James' bite glimmering like thousand stars in the night sky. There was no way to fix that.

Bella was asleep in my arms, and I was rocking her gently; sitting at the extreme back of the jeep had its advantages. We were driving on convertible mode, so the wind tugged at her clothing and stray hair. It never ruffled her expression.

For convenience, the middle row of seats on the jeep had been reverted, so that the people who sat there would feel the car was driving backwards. Alice sat on my left, Bella's injured leg on her lap; she was constantly caressing it, like a tiny mother, and Jasper, sitting in the middle row, faced her, his hand on his knees and his eyes on hers. They were doing their staring thing again.

Esme faced me, sitting near the door, like me. She was looking into my face intently, making sense of my own thoughts. She had a sad smile on her face as she saw me hugging Bella gently, calming her.

Carlisle had the best expression. He was worried and stressed; his eyes never left poor Bella's injuries. My Bella's injuries.

And yet, the reason I found his expression comforting was owed to the fact that I really despised myself for being what I was. For letting her meddle with my life. I guess we just weren't meant to be.

At the same time, a famous saying sand through my head.

If you love someone, let it go.

I pondered over that sagacious sentence of well meaning words. I could only wonder why I wasn't doing that; Bella would grow old. I couldn't stop that. I didn't want top stop that – I didn't want to take away from her the only substantial support she had: age and growth. Time.

"Edward," Esme started, placing her hand on my knee now. "Don't blame yourself for the misfortune that plays with Bella."

I shot her a look so venomous, my heart burned as I took in the disrespect I had shown her.

"I can't not blame myself," I started miserably; "I showed her our lives as blood-drinking monsters. I exposed her to the dangers I should have taken into account."

Jasper looked and I met each other's eyes and looked away immediately.

"I'm sorry Ed," Alice sniffled in tearless apologies. "I should have known. I'm the one with the premonitions."

"Don't blame yourself, Alice," Jasper and I both started at the same time. I continued while he halted. "Your premonitions are based on decisions. Who knew that she was going to hurt herself so badly?"

Carlisle interrupted, "Alice, the many atrocities that seem to maim Bella are simply unpredictable. You are merely a human hybrid," he paused, "you can't war with fate. Sometimes, your power seems different to what fiction reveals it to be. Future is not set in stone. Don't beat yourself up internally, Alice."

Alice looked down at Bella.

"I could have concentrated. I could have been quicker at sensing when Bella would get hurt…!"

"Alice, that is beyond mankind and vampire-kind," Emmett's voice trailed in from the front. His vocabulary left much to be desired. "You can't go and do something impossible – and anyways, we all knew someday Bella's hurt herself big-time."

"Magnet for trouble," giggled Alice, through her sniffles.

I looked back down at her gravelled face. So pretty, so innocent, so human….

And so not mine.

I didn't want to be with her if it meant hurting her…

"Edward," Jasper sighed. "Love knows no bounds. This was a mistake. Please just forget it."

Carlisle, poker face, looked into my own, darkening eyes and knew for once what I was thinking. His face grew older the longer he looked at me like that.

"When you leave her," Carlisle murmured audibly. "It will hurt her more than it will hurt you."

"That's better." I moaned despite myself. "Then she wouldn't have to mourn about me, keeping the terrible vampire I was in mind."

"You are not terrible, not one bit," Esme frowned. "You don't see yourself the way everybody else does, Edward. You are the one who always links that line to Bella, but its you, darling. You are an angel. You are the best of what is. Please don't hurt her, and please don't hurt yourself. Please," she pouted, upset.

I stayed silent for the rest of the journey back.

Once or twice, Bella's eyes fluttered open in panic, but only when we were near to the hospital.

I took out her cell phone, however battered and old it was, and redialled her mother's number.

"Bella?? Bella???" the same tone rang out. I winced.

"Is this Renee?" I asked.

"Yes, of course….what happened to Bella? Why are you calling on her cell?"

"Ma'am….I am Edward Cullen-"

"Why hello Edward!! So nice to hear from you – Bella has mentioned you so many times!!"

"Hello, ma'am." I didn't quite know how to start. "Ma'am, we're rushing Bella to the hospital nearby in Phoenix at top speed. I was wondering if you could come-"

"W-what happened to her???"

"She…" I remembered the plan Alice had put together. "Unfortunately, she fell down a hard stairway at the hotel she was staying at, and she sort of fell out the window too-"

Renee was sobbing. "Is she critically injured?? Will she live??"

"Please don't worry, ma'am – my father's a doctor, we've treated her for the time being but we're taking her to the Apollo Hospital near the I-10-"

"I'll be there in a jiffy!! Oh goodness!! Was she alone at the hotel??"

"My brother and sister were with her…but when the accident happened, they only heard her thuds and the crash, and then ran to recue her."

"Thank you," she sniffled. "To you, your family for helping my little girl!! When will you be there??"

"We have just reached the hospital," I sighed. "And, um….could you…..is it ok…..if you could…erm…tell Charlie…?"

She gave a watery chuckle. "Why sure, Edward. I'll be right there!!"

I shut the phone and looked down bleakly.

"Let's go, Edward." Alice's mood had lightened slightly – maybe because I almost let slip how Alice had a little too much fun fabricating the evidence…

Opening the door, we slowly carried Bella into the hospital; she was sound asleep, but I could see the bruises on her twinge slightly with the movements. If I ever even have her a single mark like that, I'd….I'd….

Saved from anger, I handed Bella over to the gurney a screaming front-desk nurse brought out, and laid her lovingly onto it.

Tucking a lock in its place, I followed the nurse and the gurney to the waiting room while Carlisle talked at the reception.

I was forbidden to enter the room at first – of course – but sitting there, waiting was the hardest part. I wanted to see her.

I really found it hard to believe that I loved her; she was everything to me and my whole entire life had just…changed when she came. How could she be so miraculous?? Nothing short of a miracle worker. She has changed my life upside down.

Yet, at the same time, I couldn't let that insufferable nagging feeling leave me…. Almost as if….

We weren't meant to be…

**I have developed a newfound obsession of THE HOST, and DOCTOR WHO!!!!!!!!!!!! THE LATTER IS THANKS TO MY CRAZY FRIENDS AND ROSE (bad wolf jr)!!!!!!**

Curse you!!!

**Ha!! But yeah. Sorry again and: REVIEW!!!! IM ON MY KNEES (chilll, I have dignity)**

**~Ash~**


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